she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
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