my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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