I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
