Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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