I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
