I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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