We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Couch. On fire.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
