the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
