my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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