how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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