I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I stole a fireplace last night.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
