I'm jealous of your bromance
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
