remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
