What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
