i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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