Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
