Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
When are your genitals available?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
