In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
