You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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