You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
