we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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