This is not my ceiling
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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