sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize