im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Alive.
So much puke
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
