my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
