i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
