mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
