my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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