Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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