We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
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