the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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