she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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