I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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