My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
