Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
