You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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