White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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