oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
