you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
