i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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