I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
