Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
