My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
