Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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