Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You've changed since you got that strap on
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
