I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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