I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
