I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
