Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
