I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
