there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
