last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize