I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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