i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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