Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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