I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
