I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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